


Scalpels and Roses

by awkwardedgeworth



Series: Hippocratic Oath [3]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: M/M, Med AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-23 11:21:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11988762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awkwardedgeworth/pseuds/awkwardedgeworth
Summary: "I'm not going to cover for you tomorrow when you show up to the OR inebriated.""Aww!" JJ wraps his arms around him as they stumble through the ER, shuffling sideways towards the on-call room as several techs flatten themselves to the walls in order to avoid them. The back of Seung-gil's neck is sticky from carrying some of JJ's weight, "You actually care about me!"





	Scalpels and Roses

**Author's Note:**

> one day i woke up and thought, 'hey, what if the next med au is called scalpels and roses because guns and roses but scalpels because seung-gil is a surgeon'. i have a really bad sense of humour, i know. im sorry.
> 
> jjseung was a little hard to write, but hopefully i've done them some justice.
> 
> -gurgles- school on the 5th. sobs.

The scalpel is for separating the skin. Hemostats are for clamping off vascular vessels. Needle drivers hold the suture string and work in lieu of the tweezer to form a knot, securing wounds so it could heal.

Four years of undergraduate. Four years of medical school. Five years of residency. Three years of fellowship. Altogether, Seung-gil spent sixteen years in school under different mentors, some kind, some cold. Regardless, all of them were brilliant and taught him what he needed to know.

While he took the board exam for general surgery, he specialized in trauma care and emergency medicine. The ER provided a variety of ages in his patient demographic and no two case were the same. 

But in the operating room, he feels most at home. It has structure, it has rules, it has order.

 

Seung-gil immediately takes a dislike to his coworker when they first meet.

"So like, what's your deal?"

"What's my deal?"

Jean-Jacques Leroy is loud and annoying and boisterous and a dramatic addition to their three man surgery team in the emergency department under Dr. Baranovskaya's leadership. He, like Seung-gil, is newly hired. His cheeks are tinted the faintest red as he nurses his third cup of amber beer on the persistence of Josef, the head trauma surgeon.

Seung-gil reluctantly agreed to be dragged to the bar on his superior's request, but he would rather take Monshi for a long walk around the park near his house. Josef has mysteriously disappeared in the bar, his intentions clear and true as he leaves both of his new hires alone in the hopes that they would befriend each other.

"I know we've been only here for two months and that everyone's impressed by your track record of no deaths so far but they're starting to call you the 'Ice King.'"

"Really? I could have sworn I heard 'Grim Reaper' the other day."

JJ winces. Seung-gil continues to sip his apple juice, trying to ignore the pumping bass as the music above changes.

"...I mean, they  _do_ have a point. Your diagnostic and clinical acumen is very accurate, but you should loosen up! Smile a bit, like this!"

There's a piece of black pepper near his gum line. Seung-gil gestures to it and watches as JJ pulls out a compact mirror out of his back pocket, deadpanning, "Should I be taking advice from someone who'd gotten slapped for being too friendly to one of the residents?"

JJ tilts his head back, laughing, " _Snappy_ , I like it."

"You disgust me," Seung-gil scowls, "Go traumatize other people."

"But you're interesting!" JJ sidles up inside his personal bubble, their arms and shoulders brushing. Seung-gil is too slow to shake him off when JJ winds one arm around his waist, his large hand like a poker to his skin. "We don't have surgery until late afternoon tomorrow, my house is close by."

He looks around the bar for a flash of Josef's receding hairline, smothering his anger when he sees nothing but strangers around him.

JJ sidles impossibly closer, smirking, "What about it, sweetheart?"

"Not in a million years," Seung-gil bares his teeth into a smile before pinching JJ's hand. He yelps and Seung-gil takes that chance to dance out of his hold.

Monshi curls up by his feet when he crawls into bed that night, staring at the ceiling and wondering if he should ask Lilia for a request of transfer to the other hospital on the opposite side of town, far, far away from JJ.

 

The position of trauma surgeon he was hired for was originally open for one, not two.

Seung-gil finds out why when he walks into his shift several months later and sees a banner tacked onto the large wall spelling,  _Happy Retirement Dr. Karpisek!_

"I mean..." Sara trails off as she crouches next to him in one of the surgery supply rooms, surrounded by racks and racks of boxes, the retirement party in full swing several hallways over. In her hands is a slice of cake meant for Seung-gil, "Dr. Leroy is a very good surgeon."

Seung-gil only growls as their pagers beep simultaneously, requesting them to scrub up.

"Will you give me mouth to mouth if I get a cardiac arrest?"

"Suction," Seung-gil ignores JJ's pick up lines, simultaneously focusing on his work while grinding JJ's toes with his foot. "Retractor."

"We're going to be doing surgeries together for the foreseeable future, isn't that exciting, babe?"

Sara fumbles with a scalpel, dropping it on top of the others as Seung-gil lifts his head up to stare at JJ, ripping his attention away from the patient and gesturing to the door with his scalpel in one hand.

" _Get. Out._ "

"It was a joke!" 

"One more word out of you and  _I'll suture your mouth._ "

The surgery is completed in tense silence as JJ sulks for the remainder of the day, whining to anyone who would listen to him about Seung-gil's bad mood. Seung-gil ignores all of this by stalling on his evening rounds, choosing to work from the computers at the nurse's station instead of the one in the on-call room.

He's exuding an aura of immense irritation that even Lilia does a complete 180 when she delivers some charts to the nurses. Seung-gil seethes for the rest of his shift, grinding his molars as he comes to an unpleasant conclusion.

"We need to talk," He demands, stopping JJ in a hallway after several weeks of unsavory one-liners, pick-up lines, and flirting.

JJ raises an eyebrow, looking around at where they're standing near the elevators, "Sure hot stuff."

Seung-gil leans against a wall, leaving a large space between him and JJ.

His patience is at its breaking point, "Karpisek retired and Baranovskaya is still looking for his replacement. You and I are the only surgeons in the hospital qualified to treat patients in the trauma who are on the brink of  _death_ ," Seung-gil nearly spits, "And you act like we're on a school outing in the OR, where all the nurses and students look up to you!"

"...I understand."

He opens his mouth to argue before he clues into JJ's abashed expression, "What?" He blinks, taken back.

"I might have overdone it several times," JJ wryly smiles at the floor, "Leo gave me a lecture last night about toning it down. I'll behave, I promise."

"...Good."

He quickly spins away, walking towards the ER before a strong arm winds itself around his shoulders. Seung-gil is hit with JJ's strong cologne and is about to snap at him about respecting the hospital's no-scent policy when JJ leans down and smirks.

"It's only fair that you do a favour for me, right? Come grab drinks with me."

Seung-gil is amazed at how one-tracked JJ's mind is, gaping at his shamelessness and thick skull.

"It'll be fun," JJ continues in a low voice, still leaning on Seung-gil as they stumble past the cardiac care unit, several nurses staring at him with judgement in their eyes, "Or would you prefer to dance instead? I know a good bar."

Seung-gil is not stupid, he knows where this is going.

"I'm not going to cover for you tomorrow when you show up to the OR inebriated."

"Aww!" JJ wraps his arms around him as they stumble through the ER, shuffling sideways towards the on-call room as several techs flatten themselves to the walls in order to avoid them. The back of Seung-gil's neck is sticky from carrying some of JJ's weight, "You actually care about me!"

Seung-gil scowls and pushes JJ in the direction of the couches, striding towards the coat rack as JJ lets out an indignant squawk, landing face first into some cushions.

JJ keeps to his promise that day in surgery, dutifully following Seung-gil's orders without any flirting across the table, humming quietly to himself. Seung-gil had to prompt Sara several times as she stares at JJ, mystified at his new behaviour. 

He's about to call for suction when JJ's hand moves and he's already there, anticipating his calls. Seung-gil looks up sharply before frowning, returning to his work.

They're not friends and JJ gets on his nerves more often than not, but they're not entirely unfriendly.

 

Over the years, JJ mellows out with his jokes and flirting. He looks elsewhere after Seung-gil had deflected his advances, sharing how his weekend went and whom he brought home and amused during his off days. Seung-gil only hums at this, nodding appropriately as he and JJ review surgical cases together. The surgical department grows by two— Victor, who transferred in, and Yuuri, who was hired from another state when Yakov and Victor visited Hopkins for a conference.

"You both are a good team," Lilia says to them after their monthly meeting. She'd grouped them together, Seung-gil and JJ, and Victor and Yuuri, "Surgical success rate are highest when you're teamed up together, have you noticed?"

Victor, obviously, is elated at this, and by the pink in Yuuri's cheeks, he is too.

JJ is buzzing underneath his skin as he awaits Seung-gil's response, impatience personified.

"Well," Seung-gil adds a pause just so he could watch JJ squirm, giving Lilia a small smile, "I guess we do."

 

For all of his overconfidence and arrogance in the OR, JJ breaks.

"Give me the defibrillator!"

Seung-gil pushes all of the side tables carrying metal pans full of surgical tools, mounting the patient as he pushes down on her chest to hear her ribs snap, the flat tone of her absent heartbeat loud in the room.

He can hear JJ squirt gel onto the pads, spreading it around as the machine steadily whines.

"Move!"

They watch the body jolt up, and Seung-gil jumps on again, counting out loud as he continues chest compressions, gritting his teeth behind his mask. Leo is injecting epinephrine as JJ yells for another charge.

Another shock. JJ pushes the paddles to Seung-gil and takes over chest compressions as they keep their eyes on the vitals monitor.

This goes on, time stretching as Seung-gil takes over compressions once, twice then three times, losing count of how many ampules of bicarb and epinephrine have been injected. 

His lungs are burning: he doesn't want the patient to die, he never, ever wants them to die.

No code.

He hates that word.

"Time."

JJ whirls at him, grief heavy in his eyes, "NO!"

"How long have we been doing compressions?" He asks the room.

"Fifty-two minutes and three seconds," Sara states, not looking at Seung-gil. She watches the woman on the table instead, though it was a stretch to call the patient a woman. She's barely an adult.

"Do we all agree that this patient is no code?"

The brave ones say yes, the lesser ones nod. Only JJ pushes on, each pump more sluggish than the last, weaker as reality weighs down on his shoulders. Then he sits back on his haunches, his head nearly touching the surgical light hastily yanked to the side. The flat tone of her absent heartbeat never seemed so loud than the present.

Seung-gil turns the defibrillator off, "Thank you everyone."

He tugs his surgical gown off. His mask. His cap. Seung-gil washes his hands, not looking into the room as he goes straight for the showers.

The hot water pummels his face when he directs it into the spray, heating his skin, washing away the sweat that made his bangs stick to his forehead. Seung-gil opens his eyes against his instincts and lets the hot water sting him. There's a slam of a door and JJ's tense shoulders tells him everything he needs to know as he goes to the furthest stall away from Seung-gil and turns on the shower.

JJ, once Seung-gil has finished drying the majority of his hair, is sitting on the bench facing the lowers with a towel over his head.

"We did the best we could."

Sometimes they die and there's  _nothing_ , absolutely nothing the best surgeon in the world can do if they fly someone in like that to save them.

Direct emotional involvement never benefit anyone.

JJ takes a deep breath, sounding shaky, "You're never affected. Why?"

He puts a hand on JJ's shoulder to pat the soft material of his red t-shirt. He could say something about being the older, therefore, wiser one, but he instead settles on the honest truth.

"We can't save them all."

The towel covers his face but Seung-gil can see how much pain he's in from his voice, "I wish I could."

He is by no means courageous or compassionate, but he feels the muscles in his hands twitch several times before he tugs JJ to his feet in the semi-darkness of the changing room as chaos reigns outside in the operating ward, pulling him into a hug.

JJ holds onto his waist like it's a buoy tossed from the shore, his lifeline as a storm of feelings rips him apart from the inside. It's always hard losing a patient, it's a feeling that never lessen over the years. Seung-gil rubs slow, large circles on his back, pressing his cheek against a shoulder.

Eventually, JJ's breathing evens out and he pulls back slightly, eyes rimmed red and avoiding Seung-gil's face. 

He gently tugs one end of the towel off to free JJ's hair, "Better?"

JJ nods once. Tilts his head in permission.

Seung-gil closes his eyes and kisses him once on the mouth, their lips barely brushing as he can taste the salt from tears. JJ pushes back with some pressure and Seung-gil allows himself to be a distraction to pull JJ back towards the present and away from the grief.  

This will not become his new structure, but this, he allows.

 

One week later, Phichit tells him that the girl that had died on their table was the daughter of one of the Leroy's family friend.

"I can present this one."

Every week, they sit in one of the lecture halls and review cases brought into the ER. This allows the med students and residents to learn from attendings and surgeons about treatments. Seung-gil doesn't want to see JJ's broken expression again for a very long time.

JJ sharply looks up, eyes wide.

"What?" Seung-gil frowns. He looks at the clock, watching Yuri skip over to Otabek as they shrug their coats off, grabbing their cases and heading off hand in hand. "Make up your mind. We need to leave soon."

JJ hands him the folder. Seung-gil grabs it and joins the other members of the emergency department, falling into step next to Yuuri as Victor and Chris are left behind to look after the ER with the nurses for the hour.

A mouthy fourth year student asks if Seung-gil and JJ  _had_ done all they could to the shock of several residents sitting near him. Seung-gil nips him in the bud after the student counters his arguments, turning the question back on him in a manner he knows is not professional. He couldn't care less— he knew that he and JJ did everything they could.

He dismantles the powerpoint presentation as everyone shuffles out. JJ is the only one left when he tugs the cord off his laptop and looks up.

"Thank you."

The words are simple though the meaning behind them is heavier than the world JJ carries on his shoulders. It could have been for the mouthy fourth year or Seung-gil's altruism. 

They leave the lecture hall side by side and eat lunch in silence. Seung-gil feels the urge to fill in the gaps that JJ usually commands but sips his tea instead, looking out the window at the few birds pecking the courtyard and the nurse helping a young girl walk.

_Are you okay?_  He wants to ask.  _Is there...anything I can help you with?_

Seung-gil is not surprised when their lunch break ends with no words spoken between them. He was never a risk taker inside and outside the operating room, so why should he even expect that he could comfort him? JJ has other people for that— nurses he flirts with, people from the bar he brings home, flings and hook-ups and faceless people with names Seung-gil hears about after every weekend.

Comfort to Seung-gil is a strange concept. He knows the definition, but not the action.

 

Monshi has arthritis so he limits her pain by walking slower, taking less frequented paths in the park trial nearby so she could splay on the ground and catch her breath. Her coat, once a jet black, is silver around her muzzle. She's his second husky, and being surrounded by patients in the hospital has made him no stranger to aging and death.

On his days off, he makes sure to spend as much time as he can with her. Occasionally, he visits the animal shelter to help walk the dogs before going to the hospital to clean.

Dusting soothes him. Anyone who laughs at him receives a well-aimed throw to their forehead with his rainbow coloured duster. 

A snort. Seung-gil closes his eyes and turns his body, watching JJ yelp when the duster smacks his face, clutching his nose. Over in a corner studying with headphones over his ears, Yuri laughs.

"OW!"

Seung-gil rolls his eyes, "What are you doing here?"

JJ glares at him through the tears, "I left my scrubs last night by accident and I was wondering who would be hanging in the on-call room today. Did you close your eyes when you threw that thing?"

"That thing is a duster, and yes, I did. Problem?"

"You're scary."

"Duly noted."

JJ sprawls all over Seung-gil's favorite couch, head to toe in Roots gear, "And what are you doing here on this lovely weekend?"

"Cleaning. I was watching a few laparo videos at home before."

"...Is that all?"

"Did you think I was doing something illegal?"

"As if, you're the textbook definition of a surgeon. Wanna grab an early dinner? There's a small diner nearby that I go to with Otabek when he's not with the Princess."

Seung-gil hasn't eaten since morning, and it  _is_ past noon. And he's hungry.

"Why not?"

JJ introduces him to a part-time waiter working who knows the hospital staff by name and story, which meant that she knew things about the emergency department that would degrade their image if ever brought to the public's knowledge. When she returns with their orders, Seung-gil shoots a glare above the rim of his glass, JJ shrinking slightly in his seat.

"You never come to his parties," The waitress says, batting her long lashes at him. She has the overly friendly vibe that could be mistaken as flirting. "JJ's, I mean."

"Parties are not his thing," JJ saves him from a very awkward conversation that would reveal that Seung-gil's not much of a social butterfly despite his status of being one of the best surgeons in the city. "He's always busy taking care of the department."

"That takes dedication, thank you for doing what you do," She throws him a smile before turning to JJ, "You haven't hosted one in a long time either."

Seung-gil looks up from his steak, one eyebrow lifted.

JJ has a nervous smile playing around his mouth, "Been busy as well, you know how it gets."

"I can imagine. Well, you two call me if there's anything you need!" She whisks off to the kitchen in a flurry of perfume and long, black hair.

Seung-gil doesn't bring it up until they're halfway through their meal, softly muttering, "Liar," as he spears his broccoli and dips the head into his black pepper sauce pooling from the steak. "Your hours haven't changed." 

JJ puffs his chest out, "Give me a break. Sometimes you just gotta step back and reconnect with your bros."

Seung-gil rolls his eyes, but allows JJ to bring up a topic about some article recently published in a medical journal.

 

The kissing continues. 

"Dr. Lee!" A frazzled someone squeaks behind him.

Seung-gil automatically schools his tiredness away into blankness as he gets pulled into a dark closet, growling when his nose smashes against someone's chin.

"You're pretending to be a nurse now?" He manages to say after JJ finishes kissing him, his sentence coming out in one big breathless whoosh. "Or are you considering a career in voice acting?" 

"Nah," It's too dark to see his facial expressions, but JJ is probably winking at him, "I mean, if you want me to dress up as a nurse, I would have  _absolutely no qualms about that—_ "

Seung-gil shuts him up by moving closer.

They do it more frequently now. Stealing chaste kisses after surgeries, in lecture halls when it's empty and everyone has cleared out, in hallways when the nurses are nowhere in sight, behind closed supplies rooms and dark linen closets, like teenagers ditching a lesson, hormonal and impatient.

There's a very large part of Seung-gil's conscience that wonders exactly what they are, but he loses that track of thought the moment JJ's mouth is needy against his.

Seung-gil knows where JJ's mouths have been. 

He finds that he doesn't care about it so much in that moment.

 

"What about this one?"

Seung-gil scowls at the dress shirts Yuri and Phichit are holding up in the menswear emporium, "Why am I here on my day off?"

"Hey, hey," Phichit beams, "It's rare that our schedules line up like this! And you're going to that conference in London anyway, you need to look your best and represent our hospital!"

"It's only a conference."

" _'Only a conference_ ,'" Yuri mimics his tone, rolling his eyes, "You're lucky you got chosen!"

"Did you want to go?"

"Of course!" Yuri shoves him into the change room with an armful of dress shirts in various shades of blue, "Try one and show us!"

The conference overseas was more for emergency specialists who deal with patient suffering from hypothermia on the brink of death, but between Yuuri having a scheduled surgery, and Victor teaching Otabek, Seung-gil was chosen to represent their hospital.

"Take a walk with me!"

" _We_ ," Seung-gil emphasizes, not looking up from his sudoku puzzle, "Are on a  _plane_. Sit down, JJ, before the stewards force you."

JJ manages to sit still for only a couple of minutes before shaking his leg restlessly, swiveling his head left and right. He plays with the fold out tray, flips through the free pamphlets, browses through the lunch and drinks menu, tries to read something on his Kindle, puts his Kindle away, fidgets some more, sulks for a few minutes, does the leg exercises meant to circulate blood from their leg back to their heart, tries to fall asleep, annoys Seung-gil—

" _Will you stop twitching if I let you hold my hand?_ "

JJ and the couple next to them gape openly. Seung-gil shoots them his foulest scowl and they snap their heads forward, spine rigid.

JJ doesn't thread his fingers with his like Seung-gil had thought he would. Rather, he seems to be inspecting his fingers, stretching the skin around his knuckles and tracing his cuticles as Seung-gil promptly decides that a nap was in order.

"A new surgical stapler came out into the market," The circles on the back of his hand is surprisingly soothing. Seung-gil grunts, wriggling slightly to get a more comfortable position. He wonders why JJ had wanted to tag along to the conference.

"Did you want to try it?"

"No teasing about my hands getting tired?"

"Even the best of us use staplers. Altin is the one that's a suturing machine."

"...Happy belated birthday," JJ's quiet laughs when Seung-gil stiffens, barely heard over the roar of the engines, "Think I forgot? Lilia always orders cake in June like clockwork every year. You were in the OR for most of the day, but we left a slice for you. Didn't you look in the fridge?"

"...No."

JJ sounds drowsy, "Mmm, it was good. Red bean and matcha with little frosting since everyone knows you don't like whipped cream."

He says something after that, maybe the way Yuri had challenged Mila on who can eat the slice of cake the fastest, but Seung-gil has promptly fallen asleep somewhere after finding out that his birthday cake was matcha flavoured.

 

"Let's go to the London Eye! Or Hyde Park!"

"We're on a business trip, not a holiday."

"What about dinner? Do you want to get dinner?"

" _I_ want to sleep," Seung-gil yanks his carry-on out of the taxi's trunk and slaps some bills into the driver's hand, leaving JJ in the rain. As expected, central London is dreary in summer, the heat trapped under the thick cover of clouds above. 

"You slept the entire flight," JJ argues as they ride up the elevator together. While he looks like he'd just gotten off a photo shoot, fresh-faced and bright eyed, Seung-gil feels like death personified, he needs a hot shower immediately. "Are you narcoleptic?"

"Of course not. I want to be awake for the conference tomorrow," Then Seung-gil adds scathingly, "You should sleep too, I don't want you to be drooling all over my papers."

Seung-gil only has a moment to peek his head into the bathroom before the door to his suite is being rammed down. JJ squeaks when he's swiftly tugged in, a ballpoint pen pressed to his neck.

" _Fuck!_ I thought that was a scalpel!"

" _What do you want?_ " JJ's chirpiness is not wanted or helpful, and Seung-gil tries to communicate non-verbally with his eyes that he knows fifteen ways to literally, gut someone to death. 

JJ takes a step back and looks at him. Seung-gil restrains the urge to deck him across the face, pocketing his pen.

Then: "I'll order room service while you shower."

It's a true mark of his depleting energy that Seung-gil doesn't fight against JJ. He does exactly that and stands under the hot spray for thirty minutes as his skin becomes prune-like and flushed. He eats his dinner (some pasta dish that's surprisingly good), tells JJ what time he'll expect him in the lobby and kicks him out.

"Night!" JJ leans forward to peck his cheek. Seung-gil blearily stands in front of his room and grunts good night, salvaging remnants of his pride by shooting his co-worker a halfhearted scowl when he's too slow to dodge.

JJ shoots him a grin, the corners of his eyes crinkling affectionately, walking further down the hall.

Seung-gil sets his alarm, turns his phone on airplane mode, and blissfully sinks into the mattress.

Someone from his alma mater snags him for dinner with a group of older surgeons and Seung-gil sits in his stuffy suit as he picks his way through the meal, trying to hide his grimace when he tells several cardiothoracic specialists that no he's not married and yes he's currently single and he sees, they have daughters or nieces around his age. 

He brings his wine glass to his lips several times to give an image that he's drinking. Seung-gil's not fond of the way his cheeks flushes when he's tipsy, or the way his brain feels like it's tilting left and right even if he's sitting with perfect posture.

"I'm cutting you off," He snaps to JJ quietly, putting a hand over both their glasses as the waiter comes back with five more bottles to appease everyone at the table. 

JJ, who has behaved himself, tilts in his seat and drops his head on Seung-gil's shoulders, slurring, "Mmkay," He goes to grab his dessert spoon and frowns when his hand smacks the plate. "Seung-gil, I can't hold the spoon."

Seung-gil hands him the spoon and turns when his neighbour asks him where he works, leaving JJ to fend off for himself as he sways like a sapling in a wind storm.

Unsurprisingly, JJ is a pain in the ass when he needs help going back to his room. The only good thing Seung-gil could see from this is the fact that JJ will be nursing a hangover and not be bouncing off the walls like he usually is when they catch their flight tomorrow.

"Where's your keycard?"

JJ pats his pockets and Seung-gil hustles them towards the bed, lying him parallel as he tugs on the shoelaces. 

Shoes off, suit jacket off, tie off, first two buttons open, some water by the bedside and— he shakes out some painkillers by digging in JJ's little first aid kit sitting on top of his suitcase. He walks over to the windows and tugs the curtains to block out the inevitable morning sun that will stream in, switching off the lights when he's at the door.

"Seung-gil."

He turns back, "Hm?" 

JJ frowns against the light of the hallway, his pupils contracting, "You don't let yourself think about love, do you?"

He loosens his hold on the door and lets it shut quietly, the slice of light on JJ decreasing until they're both bathed in the darkness.

"What?" 

"I want love," JJ replies, scarily somber. Seung-gil had underestimated how much he could hold his liquor— that or he was faking being tipsy during dinner. Alcohol, he calculates quickly in his head, recounting how many cups that had been refilled tonight and guessing JJ's weight, takes around six hours for his system to clear. "Don't you?"

"I've never given it any special thought," Seung-gil answers his question, grasping the knob and turning it again, "Good night."

 

"You're doing it again."

He swivels his head to find Phichit pouting at him, one hand holding up his chin as the other one stirs his beef chili in a counterclockwise direction. Seung-gil takes a few moments to digest the words and even longer to kick start his already tired brain to answer.

"What am I doing?"

"Staring," Phichit turns his head to smile at Otabek nodding off, head lolling onto Yuri's shoulder two tables over as JJ whips his phone out to take pictures across them, "They're cute, aren't they?"

They really are. It helps that Otabek and Yuri mutually like working with each other. Seung-gil stabs his meat pie viciously as Phichit jerks back, wondering why he's suddenly surrounded by couples.

"You're in a bad mood," Phichit says in a tone of voice that suggests he might say  _the sky is blue_.

He doesn't reply, choosing to close his eyes and lean back against the wall, drawing his bubble around him until all the voices around him fades and he teeters the line of wakefulness and sleep, reality and dream. He thinks about what JJ had said.

_You don't let yourself think about love, do you?_

"Do you like someone?"

Phichit swallows his food with difficulty. His voice comes out squeaky, "Did you just ask me if I like someone?"

Seung-gil nods.

He knows Sara has a husband, and that her protective older brother is also married. Victor and Yuuri are apparently trying to plan a wedding where all of them can attend, but that's proving to be difficult because they're all from the same department. Yuri and Otabek are doing their thing, and Leo, one of the level headed scrub nurses Seung-gil likes, is dating Guang Hong, a nurse in Phichit's department.

For all of his teasing and digs, Phichit doesn't do any of that now, looking at his food as he traces letters onto the surface, "Not really. What about you?"

Love is not part of his structure, rule or order. For the first twenty years of his life, he chose to push it out of his mind to chase after medicine. Then it became second nature to ignore it as he raced to the operation room, pretend it wasn't in his mind the moment he saw JJ amongst other surgeons as they all met Lilia for a group interview years ago. No, it wasn't love at first sight, but there had been attraction he'd dampened automatically.

"A reflex occurs without a conscious thought in response to a stimulus."

Phichit has a mischievous smile, but he gives one that's full of affection and encouragement to Seung-gil, voice warm, "Did you figure it out?"

"You  _knew?_ "

A little shrug, Phichit looks at the ceiling, "I had an inkling."

"...You didn't tell me?"

"Seung-gil," Phichit laughs, "If there's a surgery, all you think of is how to save your patient. You don't allow yourself to think about anything else."

The truth always hurts, maybe that's why he's looking down at the table instead of maintaining eye contact with Phichit as their pagers beep and tremble. Next to them, JJ leaps and clears his side of the table as Otabek blearily cracks one eye open.

"Afternoon rounds in ten," Phichit reads the screen.

Seung-gil knows that he has an operation by the way JJ waves at him from the cafeteria door. He raises one hand up and watches a beaming smile split JJ's face as he takes off to the operating ward, nearly knocking Yuuri off his feet as he stumbles in with his glasses askew.

"Phichit!"

"Yuuri!" Phichit sings behind him. Seung-gil takes this as his cue to stand up and offer his seat for Yuuri, who greets him hello.

"You look dead on your feet," JJ spreads his arms wide as Seung-gil walks into the changing rooms, "Do you need a hug to recharge, my Sleeping Beauty?"

It was a joke, but Seung-gil feels bold and steps into JJ's bubble of space, giving his broad back a pat before inching his head back to see JJ's reaction.

JJ frowns and sniffs Seung-gil like Monshi does when Seung-gil is hiding a treat in one of his hands.

"I don't smell alcohol on you...."

"Did you actually graduate? We can't do operations under the influence of alcohol."

JJ snorts, "You're acting weird, is it the jet-lag still? I can ask Victor or Yuuri to switch in with you."

"Victor's lecturing and Yuuri is eating lunch. Otabek has maxed out his surgeries this week and Yuri isn't experienced enough to help you in this," Seung-gil wiggles out of JJ's hold and opens his locker, sitting down on the bench as he toes off his shoes and unbuttons his shirt. "I'm fine."

The changing rooms are bright, with a row of windows near the top to let natural light into the room with a row of fluorescent lights lined up when the sun sets. Seung-gil closes his eyes by reflex when the sun reflects off his watch face, feeling a set of hands cup his jaw to tilt him towards the sun.

JJ kisses his forehead, moving back as Seung-gil frowns against the sun, watching it highlight JJ's dark hair as a couple of strands fight against gravity.

It's too bright and they're too close. Every freckle and dark eyelash he sees is blurry because he's far-sighted.

"What was that for?" He barely whispers.

JJ's face is conflicted, a range of emotions passing by too quickly for Seung-gil to identify before it settles on a faint look of nausea, "...You looked like you needed it."

Then JJ hurriedly returns to what he was doing before and allows Seung-gil to scrub up in peace. As they pour their attention to the MRI and X-ray scan of a bullet lodged into the scapula and a minor artery, Seung-gil realizes that he might not be the only one who lacks courage.

 

One of their patients in the ICU passes away. Seung-gil allows JJ an hour to grief in the courtyards before he clocks both of them out for the end of their shifts and wanders outside, the evening wind whipping his hair.

He's sitting in the corner next to a healthy maple tree, sleeves rolled up to his elbows as he stares unseeingly at the ground.

Seung-gil scuffs his surgery crocs on the ground to alert him that he's approaching. JJ doesn't respond when he sits next to him with several inches of space in between them.

"I can't do this anymore."

Seung-gil turns his head slightly, "You can't stop them from dying, JJ," His tone is neutral and soft.

"No, I mean this can't continue between us anymore."

When faced with his first cardiac arrest, Seung-gil had slipped into a paralyzed state as his limbs locked. It wasn't until his preceptor yelled at him to get himself together that Seung-gil pushed through the fear and slammed the button to collapse the railings as a resident mounted the patient to start compressions.

That paralyzed sensation is back, cold washing over his neck and spine, his brain grinding to a halt, his eyes seeing nothing. He knows the mechanism of stress as clear as day, he can outline the steps in his sleep, starting with epinephrine being released into the bloodstream and ending with the shut down of his somatic system.

He has precious seconds before it's too late.

"I do think."

JJ makes a confused sound, frowning and turning his head, "Good for you?"

Hardly louder than a whisper, he confesses, "I never thought about love until you brought it up, but I thought about it recently. You like me, don't you?"

The world doesn't cave in. The wind plays with his hair and Seung-gil digs his short nails into the bench, feeling splinters brush against the sensitive skin under his nails.

"I do," JJ laughs quietly. Seung-gil feels his chest loosen to that response, "You never talked about anyone you're seeing, so I got jealous when you started to pay Otabek a lot of attention. One thing lead to another—" JJ waves with his hands in the air, "—and that was when I realized I had feelings."

"The kiss."

"Sorry," JJ looks abashed, cheeks dark. "I thought...well, if you didn't hate it, I might as well. Back fired on me though, but to be fair, Seung-gil, you're hard to read. I thought you hated me ever since our meeting together."

He remembers the group interview like it happened yesterday, "You introduced yourself and said I was a babe," He scowls slightly, "Don't pretend I was hard to read, you  _flirt_ with everyone."

"Yeah okay, I do," JJ admits with an even darker blush across his nose, leaning down to rub his cheek with Seung-gil's like he's a large cat, "Did you think I was good-looking when we first met?"

"You're twisting my words."

"Answer my question!"

"Yes, yes I thought you were good looking."

"Seung-gil," JJ says, getting to his feet as he spins around, the sunset shining on the right side of his face, "Will you go on a date with me? Tomorrow maybe?"

"I have a double shift."

"After that double shift."

"I need to sleep and bring my dog to her vet appointment," He shrugs off JJ's kicked-puppy-look while he also stands, turning to face him, "But I'm free now. Would you like to grab some tea?"

JJ is as volatile as a firework. He has no structure, order or rule, but spending more time with JJ doesn't make Seung-gil cringe like he used to five years ago. He actually likes his company now.

He allows his mouth to spread into a smile as JJ lets out a large whoop that has several curious nurses peer out of the first and second floor windows, lifting Seung-gil by the waist as they spin together.


End file.
